Who Am I?

Never, ever, ever did I imagine I would have turned out to be the mother that I am today. I think that from the moment you decide that kids could possibly be in your future, you start to picture what kind of mother you will become or would like to be. I always told myself that I would be a very hands-on mother, but also independent. The image of who I would be as a mother was so clear-cut, it was easy for me to define. But now that I am a mother, the lines that were so easily defined before have been completely washed away. I am not even close to the mother that I thought I would be.

Before Hannah, my social life was a blazin! I had full intentions to make every single effort to keep my social life alive after Hannah. Too often I saw people's independence go away once they had children and I was absolutely determined to not let that happen. Fast forward to present day- ha!! There is no where I would rather be than home with Justin and Hannah. I have to give myself a pep-talk to get out the door with friends and I make excuses to come home early just so I can give Hannah a good night's kiss.

(Where is all of this coming from?!)

Here I sit at 10:00am in the morning feeling completely guilty and defeated. Justin and I have an amazing YMCA center close to our home. We used to go there daily prior to becoming parents. Obviously, I am anxious to get back into shape and in an attempt to get out of the house more I thought about rejoining, and the YMCA offers free childcare for children 6 weeks to 10 years old. So, Justin and I went to check out the childcare center and we feel completely confident in their care for Hannah. When we drop her off, I get a pager in case they need anything, the infants are separate from all the other children and the staff is CPR and baby trained. So I decided to start my membership back up and attend core power this morning at 9:00am. However, I am completely guilt ridden to leave Hannah with strangers for one hour just so that I can work out. Again, not the kind of mother I ever thought I would be. So I missed the class. This gets all my feelings and emotions turning and last night I almost had a breakdown because I came to the realization that if I cannot leave Hannah with daycare providers for one hour while I am in the SAME BUILDING, how in the heck am I ever supposed to leave her at daycare ALL DAY long when I have to return to work?!

This is not good.

So, the mother that I thought I would be- independent and able to break away from her children to exercise her rights as an individual- Pshhhhht! I do not want to be that mother anymore.

I want to hover and coddle and protect and suffocate my child with my presence.

Until she is at least 55 years old.

:)

However, the inevitable is going to come. No matter how hard I wish it away. In normal circumstances, Hannah would be of the age where I would be returning to work full time and she would indeed be placed in daycare. So I need to force myself to eventually let go of this amazing 24/7 deal that I have going on with her. No matter how hard it will be, it will get easier and it is something that is good and healthy for both of us. My level of anxiety over this whole ordeal cannot even begin to come through in my writing. I think I have separation anxiety- is there a support group out there?

"Hi, my name is Nicole and I cannot leave my daughter's side."

*

So....I will go to the gym for 1 hour and leave her in the care of the center.

And she will be okay, and we both will survive.

(At least that is what I keep telling myself.)