Tag- Justins It.

Hannah had her very first day of physical therapy yesterday and it was exhausting and traumatizing for us both. Her therapist and early childhood teacher are fabulous, kind and patient- but Hannah wants nothing to do with them. She cried every time they reached for her. She wailed every time they gently tried to put her body into new positions and stretches. She gave them her all-to-famous-evil-eye when they tried to get her to interact and play with them. They wanted her to do simple things- things I know that she can do....but she wouldn't. It was excruciating watching my little bug try her hardest to get away from the people that are trying to help her - as she wiggles her non-crawling-body back to her mama. She would just reach for me, and I felt like I couldn't come to her rescue because I have been working on NOT saving her. I've been working on, letting her struggle and work things out on her own. When she cries, Justin puts me into a full-body wrestling hold so that I do not instantly run to her.....and I swear, this whole new approach is going to send me straight into therapy.

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You know the best part?....When Hannah does eventually wiggle her way into my lap and I scoop her up to give her some lovin- she instantly looks back at her teachers- flashes a smile and the tears are completely gone. She knows what she is doing. She knows that she has me around her finger. But I don't' care.

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I know that I need to be better at letting her struggle, self-soothe and yadda-yadda- but I just keep thinking that she is my baby! But as her teacher and therapist kindly remind me- she's my baby who will be turning 1 in three months and she needs to be able to become a little more independent at some point.

(Why? She is living with me for the rest of her life.)

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I personally think it would be better if I wasn't in the room.....or house for that matter....maybe even the same city. But they want a parent present. So that we can observe what they are doing with her and repeat it daily when they are not here.

As hard as it is- therapy is a good thing. Justin and I are learning tons of new ideas on how to help Hannah roll, crawl, get in and out of the sitting position, and eventually walk. So I am hoping and praying that by 10 months she's cruising around this house and Riley is running for his life.

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But the next session- Justin's IT.

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On with some photos from our break:

Our favorite new game: Empty absolutely anything and make a mess!

Always time for Cheerio breaks!

My favorite photo:

So thirsty from cheerios- we need water!!

This is how I drink like a lady...

Attitude Adjusted

Well the inevitable is here. I return to work on Monday. (Holy buckets did 7 months sure go fast!) I have to kiss Hannah in the morning and say goodbye for 9.5 hours. Someone else will tuck her in for her naps, pick her up for after-nap snuggles, and possibly be the first to witness new milestones….and all that matters to me is that that person will not be me. Tomorrow will bring unwelcomed emotions. A lot of sadness, sprinkled with some guilt, squeeze in a surprising pinch of excitement and you got yourself one crazy and unstable lady!

I figure that there are a lot of things in life that I may not have a choice in as a parent. Going back to work full-time is not a choice-at this point in time, it is necessary. I have missed my job, my friends, the adult interaction and although part of me looks forward to going back to work, I hate that it is at the cost of my time with Hannah.

Whenever I face an obstacle in life or a hurdle I struggle to overcome I always ask myself one question:
What do I have control over?
Because there is no reason in fretting over what cannot be changed.

Tomorrow I have decided that when my alarm clock wakes me up and I slide out of my warm bed and into my cozy slippers- I do actually have a choice. I have the choice to pick the attitude that will carry me through my first day back at work. And gosh-nabbit- I will already be miserable enough, I sure as heck do not need to perpetuate that feeling onto myself. So I will allow the career-woman side of me to feel excited and happy and I will fight back the motherhood guilt and tears like a warrior.

I will reconnect with the “old Nicole.” Search again for that girl who loved her job, who got her energy from her students and was able to eat lunch, laugh and enjoy life without feeling guilty. I will dust her off, pull her up, (kick her butt if I need to) and get on with life.

As I see it, our lives are in the middle of a transition. One that will take time and adjustments- but in the end we will all be okay. I once read a quote: “Things are always okay in the end. If things are not okay, then it’s not the end.” As a dear friend from the Lion King once said, “Hakuna Matata.”

There are students, staff, and families counting on my return. I owe it to them to be on top of my game. I have received so many e-mails about how excited people are for my return, and absolutely nothing has helped me more than those cheerleaders! So on Monday, I will allow myself to feel and I will acknowledge my feelings, but as soon as I step out of my vehicle and walk into Pinewood- it is game on.

So put away the tears, stash away the pitty-pot and lay out those stylin new work clothes. Dust off that Caribou mug, slip on those heels, throw an extra piece of chocolate in your lunch bag and welcome to the life of a working mom.


....Hakuna Matata.

Kicked in the face

I got kicked in the face.

(With a nice dose of reality.)

Last night was the first night ever that Hannah couldn't sleep. My poor babe has such an itchy face from her chapped cheeks that she was up ALL night long. She was so uncomfortable. And what do you do?! We can put medication on it- only to be rubbed off 5 minutes later. So we snuggled all night, which wouldn't be bad- except that she had her first full day of daycare today, and I had to go into work. So hello "working-mom" welcome to the life of sleep-walking.

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As I entered work, I did everything in my willpower to get excited for the new change, but I absolutely failed. (It didn't help that I listened to the most depressing music the entire car ride in and it's totally dark and dreary out today.) As I talked with my sub for three long hours about all the horrific and awful things that my students and their families are going through right now- all I wanted to do was run home and hug my Hannah that much tighter. It has been more than a breath of fresh air not worrying about the deep, dark, and horrible things that my students endure everyday. But, welcome back to reality. I could only take three hours of my job before I made some lame excuse and said that I had to get going.

I "therapy-shopped" for three hours and then picked Hannah up 30 minutes early from daycare.

Hello reality. I hate you.